The Truth Will Prevail

My experience as a gay Mormon

nerdygaymormon

I shared something like this once before, as a response to someone else’s post. I’m now sharing this as a stand-alone entry.

The Stonewall Riots occurred in 1969, I was born in 1970. My life spans the U.S. gay rights movement. Things have changed for the better in both the country and in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe the latter is because the members are influenced by the culture around them, and as society’s understanding changed, so has that of members and leaders.

As a pre-teen, I knew I liked boys in way that other boys didn’t. They would ogle the ladies modeling panties and bras in the Sears catalog (wow, this makes me sound soooo old), but I was much more interested in looking at the bulges of the men in underwear. Once I turned 12, lessons about chastity occurred somewhat regularly at church. And because of the language used (petting, masturbation, and so forth), I didn’t always understand what they meant. However, I soon learned the meaning of the word masturbation and knew I did it all the time. And I’d been to the temple, which meant I’d inadvertently been untruthful in the temple recommend interview.

I continued to lie to the bishop when it was time for a new temple recommend. I mean, we’d been taught that angels with swords stood guard to keep out unworthy people from the temple, and I’d successfully survived doing baptisms, so I came to the conclusion it wasn’t as deadly a sin as it was being made out to be. The sex ed class at school taught that self-stimulation was a healthy activity, one most people engaged in, especially in teenage years. I did feel guilty being untruthful to the bishop. One reason I did not confess is because at church it was taught that being gay is a choice, possibly brought about from masturbation (if that were true, there’d be WAY more gay people). I was afraid an admittance of masturbation would lead to an intense inquiry about whether I also had homosexual impulses.

In my teen years, as part of the lessons on being chaste, we read a pamphlet by Boyd K. Packer titled “To Young Men Only.” In addition to denouncing masturbation and pornography, Packer advocated anti-gay violence when he recounted a story of a male missionary who had “hit” and “floored” his mission companion for simply revealing his sexual orientation. Packer told the missionary, “Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it and it wouldn’t be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way.” Message received loud and clear, and not just by me, the gay teen who is afraid of being beaten up, but also by the straight boys in the quorum who’d make comments like “smear the queer.”

In the LDS Church, teens can start going to dances at age 14. I didn’t want to go. I liked boys, if I could dance with them, I’d probably have been eager to go, but the thought of dancing with girls just turned my stomach. My parents would force me to go and I was miserable. Sometimes I’d sneak out and hide in the bushes to get away from all the conflicting feelings and wait for the dance to end and for my mom or dad to drive up so I could hop in the car and go home. At youth conferences, I’d make a show of getting ready and tell my roommates to go on without me and I’d be down in a little while, then I’d stay alone in the dorm room rather than go to the big dances.

In the 1980’s, the AIDS epidemic was big news and the “gay lifestyle” portrayed in the press equally fascinated and repulsed me. I wanted the freedom to openly love another as they did, but ‘free love’ and assless chaps was too different for me. I just wanted the same type of wholesome relationship as everyone else at church, except I wanted it with a guy, not a girl. It was common for Church members to talk about AIDS as God’s punishment on homosexuals. Such unkind declarations only furthered my resolve to stay in the closet and I was careful not to say anything that could possibly hint at my true feelings. I did not feel I could safely tell anyone associated with Church about the struggles I was having.

I knew I didn’t fit in, I was afraid of the future and didn’t see much to look forward to. I thought about ending my life. My dad once walked in on me with a rope around my neck. I refused to tell him what was causing me to consider this option, but he assured me he loved me and nothing I could say would change that. He said suicide is often a cry for help, and he was willing to listen when I was ready to share. He also told me that suicide is a form of murder and would mean my eternal damnation, so no matter what problems I was having, better to tough them out than to die a murderer. (Side note, about 10 years ago I had a bishop who committed suicide. The following week at church, the stake president was quick to say that in rare cases would the person who killed themselves be held responsible. God knows our hearts, our mental and emotional conditions. To say anyone, including this bishop, is doomed to Hell for suicide is not true and unnecessarily adds to the pain of their loved ones).

When I was 16, President Hinckley announced the Church was discontinuing its long-standing policy of encouraging homosexuals to marry people of the opposite gender. I was surprised this had been “official” policy, that’s kind of disconcerting, but now knew for certain what my future in this church meant, a lifetime of being alone.

So many times over the years I’d prayed for God to take the gay away, I’ve cried about the pain of having these feelings and how they contradict what is taught at church. In 1989, after my bishop called me in to talk about preparing for a mission, I prayed hard. This time, though, I asked if God loves me, loves me for who I am, all that I am, all parts of me. Warmth radiated across my body. He let me know I’m his son, He loves me, and I’m not broken.

I went on a mission in 1990 and was required to read the book Miracle of Forgiveness. Spencer Kimball doesn’t hold back in that book about the wrongness of homosexuality. However, I knew what he taught on this subject was wrong. I didn’t choose this and I wasn’t inherently evil, I wasn’t a sexual predator.

Being a missionary is hard! It is work! I was in Korea and was cut off from home. I rose to the challenge and it became the greatest adventure of my life. I’m glad I had that experience.

I received an honorable release from being a missionary in 1992, the same year Bill Clinton was elected to the presidency. It was hopeful and revolutionary to have the President saying that homosexuals should be allowed to serve openly in the US armed forces. Bill Clinton expressed his surprise at how much animosity there was towards gay people and instead had to compromise with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” which allowed gay soldiers to stay in the military as long as the soldier doesn’t reveal their orientation in a public manner.

In January 1993 I began college in Rexburg, and that year Boyd K. Packer declared there are 3 enemies of the Church: Feminists, Intellectuals, and Homosexuals. I was on that list!!!! Quite a surprise for a 21-year-old returned missionary.

I had a huge crush on my first roommate. We were best friends. At the end of the semester I learned he’d had some gay experiences in his past. That night he added another gay experience and I had my first. Although it didn’t go far, the next morning he reported to the bishop and we were immediately split up and I was humiliated but allowed to stay in school.

In 1994, the First Presidency announced its opposition to same-sex marriage in Hawaii. This was the first time the idea I could marry a man ever entered my head. The way the temple teaches the Law of Chastity gave me hope (no sexual relations except with their husband or wife to whom they’re legally married). One day I might be legally married to a husband and then be included in this definition.

I was home on a summer break and a bishop told my sister that being homosexual is a choice, any feelings to that side are because of sin in the person’s life and a lack of faith. If the person would just repent and strengthen their testimonies then those feelings would fade away. That kind of talk made me angry. I found quotes from Church leaders to give my sister to make sure she understood that what the bishop was saying was untrue.

In 1995 I began school at BYU in Provo, UT. The rumors were that BYU security would go to known gay haunts in search of BYU students. Even that in the evening they’d be in the steam room at the rec center (RB) and make passes at other students, hoping one of them reciprocated. I found the idea of such entrapment truly intimidating and disgusting. That year The Proclamation on the Family was issued, which I read as a response to the call for gay marriage and also as entrenching 1950’s notions of men as wage earners and women as responsible for raising children. I’m glad it’s never been canonized, how sad to deny men the role of being a nurturer of their own children.

A big highlight of 1995 was my Business Law class. The city of Provo’s prosecuting attorney is traditionally given the opportunity to teach one class each semester, and as my professor he led a discussion shredding the Church’s “legal” arguments against same-sex marriage. To my surprise, much of the class seemed to think the Church’s efforts are wrong-headed and those who defended the Church couldn’t come up with good logical arguments. I told my roommates about this and they were disgusted that the Church’s leadership would be challenged in class, especially in support of queers.

In 1996 I began working at the Missionary Training Center as a Korean language teacher. I loved the spirit I felt in that place. But it didn’t stop my questioning the Church’s teachings on same-sex orientation and wondering what my future would be. That year I learned that one’s experience in the Church can vary greatly depending on who is your bishop. I had a bishop who attempted to have the ward members agree to conditions that went well beyond the school’s Honor Code (some were just stupid, like agreeing to not wear shorts at any time), but I needed his endorsement for school and my employment and he was willing to hold that over me.

One semester the school paper ran a series of articles about homosexuals at BYU who kept the honor code. I desperately wished I knew some of them, someone who’d understand what it was like to be me. My roommates, however, complained about the articles and how they specifically came to BYU to not have to read about such perversions.

I graduated in 1997. A year later, Matthew Shepard is brutally murdered in Wyoming in a clear case of a hate crime, and I knew that could’ve been me. Not that I went to bars and hit on guys, but based on comments I heard from roommates over the years, I wondered if such might have been the result if I’d come out at BYU. I was ready to take a break from Church, but somehow that never quite happened. I attended Young Single Adult wards and enjoyed the variety of fun activities, I also moved frequently which meant I didn’t have deep relationships with the Church during those years, but it was useful to attend and plug into a support network. Family and friends generally left me alone in regards to marriage as long as they knew I was going to YSA.

I was heartened to see in a 1999 Ensign that Gordon B. Hinckley welcomed gays & lesbians in the Church.

But then the Church joins the Prop 8 fight in California against same-sex marriages in 2000. Marie Osmond and Steve Young became my heroes for disagreeing with the Church’s position and involvement.

Also in 2000, Stuart Matis commits suicide on the steps of an LDS church bldg in California. Truly a sad event, one which brought to the attention of regular members what a tough life it is for a gay person in the Church, even one who is celibate and doing all they should.

Also in 2000, Vermont becomes first US state to grant civil unions to same-sex couples. Then George W. Bush becomes president and announces he wants marriage reserved exclusively for heterosexuals and a bunch of states pass constitutional amendments to define marriage exclusively as between a man and woman and that they would not recognize a same-sex marriage performed anywhere else.

At the end of 2000 I turned 30 years old, which meant I was too old to attend the YSA ward. Since then I’ve been subject to questions about marriage and dating. And worst of all is when some leader pops off about priesthood duty, sisters crying themselves to sleep at night, selfish in not doing my duty, cutting myself off from the highest blessings and best I can hope for is to be a servant to others for eternity (unless I marry, then I get to have servants). How different a tune they’d sing if they knew I was gay, suddenly being single would be a great thing.

In 2003, Mitt Romney, a Mormon, becomes governor of Massachusetts and later that year the Massachusetts Supreme Court rules that prohibiting gay marriages violates the state’s constitution. Governor Romney is opposed but in 2004 the first gay marriages in the US are performed in Massachusetts. For me, I was glad to see same-sex marriage finally legalized, and I enjoyed the irony that it first took place in a state that had a former stake president as governor.

I’d see the adverts for Evergreen, and while I disagree with the notion of therapy being able to change orientation, at least there I could meet people who understand my experience. Then I learn of Affirmation and wish we had a chapter where I live, and I eagerly digest any articles about their conferences and activities. It does good for me to see LGBT LDS individuals engaged in normal, wholesome lifestyles and pursuits.

In my ward, members know the tide is shifting, and in hushed tones they’ll speak in small groups about the wickedness of the times and how no good Mormon could vote for a Democrat when so much is at stake. I was still so far in the closet that I’d get included in those whispered conversations. Sometimes I disagreed and pointed out that Elder Faust of the First Presidency is a Democrat, sometimes I said nothing. I now regret those silences. I was always a bit alarmed when the conversation suddenly veered towards LGBT issues and silence was a strategy for staying safe.

In 2010 General Conference, Boyd K. Packer is talking about how some say they’re born with homosexual tendencies and then says that God would never do that someone. I’m fuming at his statement. This isn’t 1993 anymore, people connect with each other on the internet and organize, 100,000 people sign a petition against Packer’s statement. When his talk is printed in the Ensign, it’s noticeably changed to delete those words. Sadly, though, I see my sister-in-law repeating those lines to her son.

2011, a new group at BYU called USGA “Understanding Same-Gender Attraction” begins at the Church university. USGA’s 2012 video “It Gets Better” gets a lot of attention, both inside and outside the Church, and I cry when I watch that video. I’m incredibly happy such an organization exists and joyful that enough change has occurred since I was in college that BYU students could belong to such a group and not be reported to the Honor Code office for expulsion.

2012 is a busy year in & out of the Church for LGBT. President Obama endorses gay marriage. I’m an assistant scout master when the Boy Scouts decide to allow gay scouts to participate. The LDS Church accepts the new scouting policy, even issued a statement claiming it’d been the Church's long-standing policy to not discriminate against gay scouts, although I seriously doubt that. Also in 2012 Mormons Building Bridges is formed and marches in Salt Lake’s Gay Pride Parade and the LDS Church releases the website Mormons and Gays. YouTube videos of gay Mormons coming out are heartwarming. I’m tired of being in the closet, but unsure what to do. Nothing like Affirmation or USGA or Mormons Building Bridges is available where I am, but I’ve resolved I won’t lie anymore, if someone asks me about why I’m not married or not dating, they’ll get the truth.

In 2013 I’m called to be in the stake young men presidency. Parents start talking to me about their gay or lesbian child. They are worried for their future. The Church and family have been the two most important things in the lives of these parents and they’re upset that their child can’t have both. I sympathize and tell them I also think it’s unfair, but who knows what the future holds, and as long as their child comes to church they have a safe space next to me and there are members who are willing to walk that tough road with them.

2014 the Mama Dragons come into existence, women who offer support for LGBT Mormons and demand we treat these children of God in a more loving and compassionate way. I resolve I’ll do more to help LGBT teens. I also am saddened because I realize if I, and others like me, had been more brave in the past about who we are, it’d make the way easier for today’s generation.

In 2015, I'm the stake young men president and am protective of teens who struggle. Elder Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve says it’s okay for individual members to support gay marriage on social media as long as they don’t attack the Church. Some youth see my support for gay marriage and speak with me. Some of the most sacred moments I have as the Stake Young Men President are one-on-one conversations I have with youth who tell me of their struggles. If a youth tells me about being gay and the journey they and their family have been on, I'm able to share that I, too, am gay and we have a frank conversation. Best comment after I told one youth that I am gay, “I could kind of tell.” I’m glad he could because it’s part of who I am. I always encourage them to pray and ask if God loves them, I believe He’ll answer that question convincingly.

Bishoprics start talking to me, upset that in temple recommend interviews when asked if they support groups opposed to the Church, most youth now respond that they support gay marriage, and even have a friend who is gay. If that means they support people who oppose the Church, then yes, they do. I remind those men that an apostle said such a position is okay, and inwardly am delighted because I know that as this generation moves forward and receives leadership positions, things are going to change.

In 2015 the US Supreme Court makes same-sex marriage legal in all 50 states. Some members are apoplectic, statements from the top Church leadership are read in Church. While many members make negative comments, I’m surprised by those who speak up in church to show their support.

Shortly after same-sex marriage became legal across the USA, the Boy Scouts votes to allow gay leaders, but gives local chartering organizations the ability to narrow leaders to those who meet its criteria. The LDS Church voices opposition, and even takes time to consider having its US & Canada congregations leave scouting before deciding to stay. As for me, I’d be delighted if the Church left scouting, but not as a protest over allowing gay people to participate, what a mean-spirited reason.

2015 seems like such a watershed year. The Church has softened its rhetoric and is cautious about getting involved politically against gay rights. I learn that Elder Christofferson talks about a gay brother and his parents’ insistence that he not be excluded from the family, that they be unified together. I feel like space for openly gay members is finally coming to exist in the LDS Church. As the homophobia of the past is discredited, I have hope that this change of understanding will lead to change of practices and doctrines. After all, this religion says it embraces all truth, that it’s all circumscribed into one great whole. Secular knowledge helps inform our spiritual knowledge and vice versa. As scientific understanding of sexuality increases, my hope is such knowledge is translated into updated Church teachings. One example, in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet, masturbation is no longer so strongly condemned. There’s now just one sentence and it’s fairly watered down from previous editions, “do not arouse those (sexual) emotions in your own body.”

This era of good feelings is very short lived. In November 2015, the LDS Church updates it's Handbook to say anyone in a same-sex marriage automatically must have a disciplinary hearing. The negative reaction is so widespread that they had explain why they took this position. Reports of suicides and resignations followed. I had to decide am I going to stay or leave. I decide to stay because I believe I can do good in the Church. I belong here, I’ve survived worse times and am determined to be included.

Despite the handbook change, more and more members are expressing their support of LGBT rights, gay marriage and full inclusion in the Church. On Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and other platforms, they’re sharing these ideas, LGBT members are connecting with others and developing support networks. Articles are being written that question if prohibitions on homosexuality are really scripturally based and on how same-sex couples could fit into the Plan of Salvation. People haven’t been silenced, instead, they’re laying a groundwork that will aid future leaders if/when they change the Church’s position.

It’s been quite a journey for the Church in coming to terms with the world it now finds itself. Forgiveness is an important part of this journey, being able to let people gracefully say they were wrong or their understanding has changed. Sadly for me, what may be rapid change for the nation and for the Church is decades of my life. Do I need to wait another 20 years to be allowed to marry and remain a Mormon?

It’s 2016 and I’m no longer the stake young men president, now I’m the stake executive secretary. This means I meet often with the stake presidency, attend the High Council meetings and meetings of the bishops. I don’t have a vote, but I do have a voice in the top councils of my stake leadership. I can tell you the attitudes among bishops and leaders varies. Some are very supportive, some suspicious, but all are loving and have come a long way in a few short years.

I think if the teenage me who contemplated suicide could see my life, he’d have had an easier time believing the future would be better. I have a job I love at a university, I’m the favorite uncle of 14 nieces and nephews. I have enough pocket money to go to musical theater and to do some travelling. I am well liked across my stake and make a positive contribution. It would be better, though, if I had a companion to share my life with. I think a nice RM would be just the thing.

So once again, let me reiterate, things have gotten better inside the Church. I am trying to do my part, speaking up at leadership councils and looking out for others. One by one, more people know that I am gay as I share experiences with them. Just one week ago I had an incredible experience with a General Authority at stake conference and I’ve already told that positive story to a number of people, and look forward to sharing it in one of those leadership meetings when the opportunity presents itself. It’s not enough, though, we need more Mormons who march at gay pride parades, who don’t let prejudicial statements from leaders and members go unchallenged, people who do their best to make church a safe space for LGBT children of God. Please join me in this effort and share the positive experiences you have.

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

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My experience as a gay Mormon